Oh fer shame

Last week,  I told you about starting a Shape Your Life Challenge with Chris Linnares. 

With a full week to think about what we talked about in our first session (which will be online at some point), I've come to better understand myself and my struggles with my weight.

Chris makes this challenge all about finding the real you. There are certainly things I've caught myself doing this week that make me stop and say, "Whoa, this isn't me. Why am I doing it?" Most importantly though, this body and the way I've treated it lately isn't the real me.

The real me loves fashion. Just follow me for a day on Pinterest, and that much is evident. Since hitting this all-time-high weight, I've tried going shopping and buying new clothes. Usually what I end up settling on isn't really me; it's what fits the current me.

The most difficult moment of that first day with Chris also revolved around clothes, but for an entirely different reason. As we looked through the sea of black in my closet, Chris asked whether there were any clothes that I wanted to wear. I gave her a sheepish look and moved her from my closet to my bed. Underneath, I keep three plastic totes full of the clothes that fit me just two years ago. I pulled one out and showed her the pieces I've missed -- cute little dresses and smart-looking tops. She asked how it makes me feel that I can't fit into those clothes any more. I struggled with a response and after some prodding, the word "worthless" came out of my mouth, followed by a rush of tears from my eyes.

Every day for the past week, I've thought about that "worthless" word, and it's made me mad. I don't truly feel worthless. I'm proud of who I am and what I've accomplished. I feel full of worth. What I really feel about those clothes under my bed is ashamed. I know this isn't the body I should have. I work so hard in every aspect of my life (including on losing weight), but what I haven't done is fully appreciate myself and my body for all that it's given me. And for that, I'm ashamed.

I've also placed the effort on losing weight ahead of people and activities I enjoy and make me full of worth. As an extremely social person, I've isolated myself lately -- so not me. And for that, I'm ashamed.

Sure, I don't feel good about the way I look right now, but my weight almost seems like it's changed me. Part of this week has been about reconnecting and doing the things that I love: getting drinks with friends, going for bike rides and going shopping. And for that, I'm proud.